the feels

Carrie Bradshaw said something along the lines that if you had a man, a home, and a good job, you were set. That was really all there was to worry about. Okay, she didn’t boil it down that way but basically that most problems fall into those categories. And for the most part, that is true. But there are so many more varieties and flavors of problems. Someone else said that if we all threw our problems in a pile, we would be quick to grab our own real fast. We are familiar with those and have thought many hours and probably days about how to fix those. Besides, some people have some serious shit they’ve been trudging through.

But all this makes me feel as if I am not validated to be upset about something NOT monumental or something that could ruin or change someone else’s life. I care about this planet and I can about the animals and the trees and for all the humans that are trying so damn hard to just make it through the day or even just the hour.

Recently it seems that the universe is trying to sort out some issue that I keep trying to push down or sift away into some baked good. (Examples, we like examples.) Currently I’m watching “13 Reasons Why” on Netflix. Everyone else is too. I read that book when I was a kid and by that I mean when I was in high school. I wasn’t an emo kid and the premise of the book is dark but I gravitated to it and it’s one of my all time favorite books, that I can’t seem to give away. However, I don’t really recall all the details and I was afraid Netflix would kill the cherished memories I have about that book. I’m on episode eight and it’s been addicting and bringing up all of the feels. So many feels. Which is good but also sometimes you just don’t have the time to feel the feels and be a normal human. You’ve got responsibilities; you’ve got shit to do. The laundry and dishes seem to always happen. Probably ‘cause we were clothes everyday and we eat at least three times a day (for me, many more times than three).

Back to the point at hand, I was watching the show until the wee hours of the night and just couldn’t sleep. Then out of nowhere, as the episode was switching to the next (you really only have about five seconds) and I burst into tears. It wasn’t that that particular episode struck a chord or hit on some deep down pain that I experienced in high school. It had nothing to do with what was happening in the show. The show brought so many issues to the forefront of my mind, that another issue I was trying to process in my dreams came flooding forward and out of my tear ducts.

Example two: I’m rereading an old book that I loved but can’t remember how it ends. It’s an easy read, “All You Could Ask For”, light and fun. I’m falling in love with these characters again. I remember why I loved this book. Then smack, part two is about cancer and how these strong, fun, and honest women are dealing with it. Shit, I forgot about that twist. Though I’m sure I keep this book for a reason because there is either a happy ending or someone learns some lesson that pulls them through. I can’t recall, so I have to finish it.

I guess all these words are to say:

 Fuck not feeling

 Fuck what we’re not supposed to say and feel

I need to give myself permission from time to time, between breakdowns, to allow myself to be not okay. This is a lesson my soul is still trying to learn, so everything in the universe keeps telling me. The radio is playing songs on repeat that are reminding me that it’s okay to breathe and fail. But damn, isn’t that the hardest lesson to learn? I am the type of person that is all smiles and wit, but mainly the grass is pretty green in my backyard and I don’t need to be sad. Things fall into place and my ambition gets me the rest of the way up that hill if things fall out of order.

I had this smattering of thoughts as I walked to work today, in the sun, reading a good book with a packed lunch but still had all these feelings. I feel I have no right to be upset about things or feel as if something needs to be sorted through again. The thoughts kept coming and I find it’s best if I get them out of my system and put them on paper (or digitally) so they get out of my body and stop running in circles.

With all the feels from “13 Reasons Why” I have been realizing that we really don’t share the crap. We’ve got all this social media that we filter and edit to make ourselves feel and look great. I get it. I do it. But really, we need to connect and be a mess with someone. I thought I would be a mess and put it out publicly, if anyone else can relate, great. If not, at least I got it out there and my body can start to repair and heal. I’m not sure what it’ll look like but…

I give myself permission to feel and to share those feels or not.

I give myself permission to be not okay.

I give myself permission to be thankful and to enjoy the minute details.

I give myself permission to breathe and let things go. Not everything has to be in order.

I give myself permission to not be in control.

 

Thank you for those who read my ramblings and I wish you the best of luck. I wish you hope and I send you peace and zen in your day today. And even if you didn’t read, I still wish you those things. We all need a little extra something sometimes and I am sending you that positive something in the universe.

04.05.17

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