portrait of a boy

for all the things he did wrong
he had got one thing right
but a pile of mistakes didn’t add up to a win,
just like two wrongs don’t make a right,
wait, they do if you want to walk in circles.
can we all spin this down the drain
and wash it away?

he had looked up to the sky
to ask the winds for a breeze
but they remained silent,
as did the trees.
they had nothing to contribute
and so they kept their metaphorical mouths shut.

he looked to the ground for an answer
but it said nothing either.
everyone was silent in his world
and yet his thoughts were raging on.
if only he could silence them to hear what was being said,
too many voices,
too many choices left him paralyzed and angry.
he would want the best for them
but not for all
and if he couldn’t find any peace
how could he possibly care for anyone else’s peace?
it was an impossible task
that his heart just wasn’t up for.

so he gave up
and brought up the finger.
this would solve no problems
but it made sense in that millisecond.
it made some sense in this crazy idea of a box of a life.

so he made rash decisions
and ignored the consequences.

 

06.01.16

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in the quiet

in a world full of suns and moons
and everything in between
where do you lie?
where do you rest your soul?
does your soul have a name?
does it have an essence or presence that parts the Red Sea
or is it a quieter one that calms the deep dark depths of the oceans?
whichever, it is your soul
and it is within you.

or maybe you have locked your soul in a cage
or maybe you gave it to another person or being?
maybe it’s trapped in that one plant that rests on your coffee table.
that’s fine too.
wherever it is, maybe it’s just resting
but you can pick it back up later.
reset the doing and undoings
and see where you are.

maybe the world keeps spinning around you
or maybe it doesn’t even know you’re there
because you’ve done a superb job at staying minuscule,
that’s fine too.
whatever is will be
and whatever works for you, is fine.

no one is really looking
and no one even glanced this way.
a stain there, a rip here,
it’s all the same to everyone anyways.
the wind blows,
the sun sets,
and you slip into night.
your night.
your space.
that’s fine too.

a reset
a new start
a repeat
a new beginning
fly and find the wind.
find your wind.
find your space.

maybe it is in the pantry
or maybe it’s on the floor.
be and let be.

 

release

08.14.17

DON’T – blackness swallow you whole

we’ve all agreed to these rules
red is stop
green is go.
but what about yes and no?
what about explicit or subtleties?
what about the guessing game of flirting and consent?
what about humanity and our inalienable rights?

that seem to go by the wayside
and some support this notion.
some support the idea that bullying is okay
and that we can make fun of others to the point where they hide in their rooms
and cry or slash or plan an attack.
how the fuck did we get here
and how do change fabric interlaced in the American flag?
divide and conquer.
draw those lines and shoot those that dare to cross.

when did ‘us and them’ become acceptable
and why are we still allowing it to punch through our day dreams?
when words fail, violence seems like the next step
but what if we could go before the words
and express it all non verbally.

9/11 we all came together
nationalism
patriotism
but what about the attacks in the dark corners of suburbia?
there’s no memorial service for lost innocence,
no counter attack for tears shed.

hand in hand, we speak of unity and spew out hatred.
wake the fuck up
and use your own hands, your own words, your own actions and change the narrative.
maybe today is your day
maybe tomorrow someone can carry the torch for you
and maybe yesterday you were in that dark corner.
there’s enough of us on this planet to help each other out once in awhile.
get it together and remember
we are each a soul with cracks and patches and broken pieces stuck together
with the scraps of humanity.
share some.
find some.
go be the answer for one moment for someone else.
you’d be surprised what one moment can do to a life

05.26.17

Alice is running in place again

present but absent in the bubble
bubbles come to the surface
all this surface area is lacking for my personal space
but the space between us is too far.
I dislike the faraway stares and listlessness
lists seem to fill the time but not the void.
I’d like to be void of all these questions
she’s questioning herself again of course
this course of action seems to be set in place
where is your place in this world?
worlds apart and she’s pacing again.
ask me that question again, make the words stop spinning.
please don’t spin those facts around in your own mind.
they tell you to mind your own business
but everyone is failing miserably at keeping the peace.
just a little peace of mind would be all it takes
but you’ve taken that with you into the woods and around the corner.
Pocahontas is just off waiting for what’s just around the river bend.
she seems to need to learn how to her her own stories and rules for a new day.
clear as day and night, black and white, this and that…
at least that’s what the Cheshire Cat has to say.

say what you will
but show it on your sleeve.
clean it up, wipe it off, dust it off.
your heart seems to still be beating,
maybe not in your chest anymore,
it seems to have migrated a little the right.
as we try to re-write the wrongs done to one another,
with a smile and the attempts of what love is.
we like our boxes and routines
and our animals do too
but the animal inside seems to want out of the cage you’ve put it in.

in and out, up and down, here we go around in circles again.
“If we can’t have this, we just can’t go on.”
the humans are restless, they want a new–
but what is that news cycle saying again?
let’s put it on mute and walk through the glass ceiling.
space dwindles as we finally become connected
but there’s blood on the shattered glass,
do we want to cross this threshold?
is this the right step?
or should we side swipe the whole situation?
A talks to B but Z is getting lonely all the way in the back by himself.
all he wants is a friend,
all he needs is a little connection.

connect, disconnect,
plug and unplug, try again.
Failure looks so much more menacing in the daylight.
his teeth seem to need a cleaning,
as does his body needs a wash.
take Failure out back and dispose of him.
“You forgot to say please.”

Distance is slowly distancing itself from her heart
and she’s wondering how it all pans out.
join and try, push and pull,
retreat and start a new.
all in all, it’s not wrapped in a little bow for you.
New doesn’t have a bell on her collar,
you’re going to have to go look for her.

new is old and old is new
but the cycle turns itself on the head,
up becomes down and wrong is right.
“Ah we’re in Wonderland again. I knew we’d end up here,”
Alice turns to the White Rabbit with a smile
but he’s already gone

06.04.17

the feels

Carrie Bradshaw said something along the lines that if you had a man, a home, and a good job, you were set. That was really all there was to worry about. Okay, she didn’t boil it down that way but basically that most problems fall into those categories. And for the most part, that is true. But there are so many more varieties and flavors of problems. Someone else said that if we all threw our problems in a pile, we would be quick to grab our own real fast. We are familiar with those and have thought many hours and probably days about how to fix those. Besides, some people have some serious shit they’ve been trudging through.

But all this makes me feel as if I am not validated to be upset about something NOT monumental or something that could ruin or change someone else’s life. I care about this planet and I can about the animals and the trees and for all the humans that are trying so damn hard to just make it through the day or even just the hour.

Recently it seems that the universe is trying to sort out some issue that I keep trying to push down or sift away into some baked good. (Examples, we like examples.) Currently I’m watching “13 Reasons Why” on Netflix. Everyone else is too. I read that book when I was a kid and by that I mean when I was in high school. I wasn’t an emo kid and the premise of the book is dark but I gravitated to it and it’s one of my all time favorite books, that I can’t seem to give away. However, I don’t really recall all the details and I was afraid Netflix would kill the cherished memories I have about that book. I’m on episode eight and it’s been addicting and bringing up all of the feels. So many feels. Which is good but also sometimes you just don’t have the time to feel the feels and be a normal human. You’ve got responsibilities; you’ve got shit to do. The laundry and dishes seem to always happen. Probably ‘cause we were clothes everyday and we eat at least three times a day (for me, many more times than three).

Back to the point at hand, I was watching the show until the wee hours of the night and just couldn’t sleep. Then out of nowhere, as the episode was switching to the next (you really only have about five seconds) and I burst into tears. It wasn’t that that particular episode struck a chord or hit on some deep down pain that I experienced in high school. It had nothing to do with what was happening in the show. The show brought so many issues to the forefront of my mind, that another issue I was trying to process in my dreams came flooding forward and out of my tear ducts.

Example two: I’m rereading an old book that I loved but can’t remember how it ends. It’s an easy read, “All You Could Ask For”, light and fun. I’m falling in love with these characters again. I remember why I loved this book. Then smack, part two is about cancer and how these strong, fun, and honest women are dealing with it. Shit, I forgot about that twist. Though I’m sure I keep this book for a reason because there is either a happy ending or someone learns some lesson that pulls them through. I can’t recall, so I have to finish it.

I guess all these words are to say:

 Fuck not feeling

 Fuck what we’re not supposed to say and feel

I need to give myself permission from time to time, between breakdowns, to allow myself to be not okay. This is a lesson my soul is still trying to learn, so everything in the universe keeps telling me. The radio is playing songs on repeat that are reminding me that it’s okay to breathe and fail. But damn, isn’t that the hardest lesson to learn? I am the type of person that is all smiles and wit, but mainly the grass is pretty green in my backyard and I don’t need to be sad. Things fall into place and my ambition gets me the rest of the way up that hill if things fall out of order.

I had this smattering of thoughts as I walked to work today, in the sun, reading a good book with a packed lunch but still had all these feelings. I feel I have no right to be upset about things or feel as if something needs to be sorted through again. The thoughts kept coming and I find it’s best if I get them out of my system and put them on paper (or digitally) so they get out of my body and stop running in circles.

With all the feels from “13 Reasons Why” I have been realizing that we really don’t share the crap. We’ve got all this social media that we filter and edit to make ourselves feel and look great. I get it. I do it. But really, we need to connect and be a mess with someone. I thought I would be a mess and put it out publicly, if anyone else can relate, great. If not, at least I got it out there and my body can start to repair and heal. I’m not sure what it’ll look like but…

I give myself permission to feel and to share those feels or not.

I give myself permission to be not okay.

I give myself permission to be thankful and to enjoy the minute details.

I give myself permission to breathe and let things go. Not everything has to be in order.

I give myself permission to not be in control.

 

Thank you for those who read my ramblings and I wish you the best of luck. I wish you hope and I send you peace and zen in your day today. And even if you didn’t read, I still wish you those things. We all need a little extra something sometimes and I am sending you that positive something in the universe.

04.05.17

Alice is at it again

down the rabbit hole we go,
twirling and spinning around.
I’m covered in dirt, aren’t I?
is it in my teeth too?
can you tell me the truth
or is my reflection lying again?
is it all smoke and mirrors
and a room full of steam?

she’s spinning and twirling
but this doesn’t look much like a dance at all.
it’s just a mess of letters and numbers.
is the code in here somewhere?
can we break the lock instead?
will it open the treasure chest for her
or simply grow a mouth to grin at her and laugh?

she’s stepping forward,
one muddy boot at a time,
the mad hatter is calling her name.
she might make a pit stop for a minute or a day.
this seems to be the party where the crazies are,
I like this party.
I belong here.

she sticks out a dirty hand forward to greet them,
but the mouse pipes up with a squeak
and then resumes his drowsy sounds.
the Mad Hatter has too much on his mind,
after all, his shoulders are getting a little heavy
carrying the weight of the world
or at least the weight of his ego,
in that big top hat of his.

she’ll twirl a little more
then it’s off to the races.
the flowers are talking again.
what radio station do we tune into to listen?
she’ll just watch them move their lips
in silence.
does she really need to hear it anyways?
it’s a much more fun game to make up the words anyhow.

is it lying if it’s not the truth
but it’s your idea of the truth?

Alice continues to fall
but this time it’s more of a float,
or so she thinks.
can anyone else witness this fall and tell?
can you she make up the tale to tell?
will the creatures share her secrets?
she smiles
and hopes for their friendship.

off to the forest of flowers
who hate her.
well, this was unexpected.
she traipses as quietly and quietly as possible.
“Let’s go talk to the caterpillar,
he seemed to have some ideas.”
all crazy
but hey, ideas are ideas.
she’ll take them.

let’s run against the tide
and see if we can stay dry.
this plan seems to be working very well
and by very well,
she means she’s soaked.
let’s set that on fire.
that’ll make it all better.
dry.
fire but dry.
it’s all just grand in the land of Wonderland.

03.07.17

 

shade & shadows

the world is in a state of shock
not of the awe in beauty of this world
but of the destruction
and how easily we create it from our own thoughts and words.
we shape the reality we live in
and we can hide just as easily that way.

control slips out the window
and down the rabbit hole
and Alice is left wondering, again.
is she going to do anything about the rabbit
that just seems to always be out of her grasp?
is this a task she is challenging herself to?
does someone else challenge her?
does it matter if anything changes?

does the earth shake if the sun doesn’t show up on that side of the country?
do the heavens question our decisions?
does anyone listen to Margaret in the quiet that she speaks
from off her bathroom floor?
is there light at the end of the tunnel
or simply no exit?
can Mary turn back around
and change her stars
or simply live with her choices?

what if love isn’t big enough
to cover the pain,
to contain it?
what if the fear is all consuming
and wakes you up at night with a start?
does the adrenaline push you in any direction
or are you floating in all directions
as your energy is expelled, transferred, and used up
all in what seems like an instant
but really is years upon years?

are the words enough to change
or evoke change
or to inspire?
can there be a change,
a positive one?
one of hope and a new light,
rather than darkness and confusion?

are you going to be that light?
can you be anything if the darkness seems to feel like a safe place to stay?
if the shade feels warm to the touch
because you’ve fooled your senses long enough
that hot is cold and cold is hot.
are you numbed to the realities that fall in front of your eyes?
can we stay numb?
should we stay in a place of isolation and under the palm tree leaves,
never venturing outside the shadows?

if a rat lives in the shadows
and only comes out in the light when starving,
what is a flower doing in the sewers
and how on earth is it surviving?

01.31.17