DON’T – blackness swallow you whole

we’ve all agreed to these rules
red is stop
green is go.
but what about yes and no?
what about explicit or subtleties?
what about the guessing game of flirting and consent?
what about humanity and our inalienable rights?

that seem to go by the wayside
and some support this notion.
some support the idea that bullying is okay
and that we can make fun of others to the point where they hide in their rooms
and cry or slash or plan an attack.
how the fuck did we get here
and how do change fabric interlaced in the American flag?
divide and conquer.
draw those lines and shoot those that dare to cross.

when did ‘us and them’ become acceptable
and why are we still allowing it to punch through our day dreams?
when words fail, violence seems like the next step
but what if we could go before the words
and express it all non verbally.

9/11 we all came together
nationalism
patriotism
but what about the attacks in the dark corners of suburbia?
there’s no memorial service for lost innocence,
no counter attack for tears shed.

hand in hand, we speak of unity and spew out hatred.
wake the fuck up
and use your own hands, your own words, your own actions and change the narrative.
maybe today is your day
maybe tomorrow someone can carry the torch for you
and maybe yesterday you were in that dark corner.
there’s enough of us on this planet to help each other out once in awhile.
get it together and remember
we are each a soul with cracks and patches and broken pieces stuck together
with the scraps of humanity.
share some.
find some.
go be the answer for one moment for someone else.
you’d be surprised what one moment can do to a life

05.26.17

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the feels

Carrie Bradshaw said something along the lines that if you had a man, a home, and a good job, you were set. That was really all there was to worry about. Okay, she didn’t boil it down that way but basically that most problems fall into those categories. And for the most part, that is true. But there are so many more varieties and flavors of problems. Someone else said that if we all threw our problems in a pile, we would be quick to grab our own real fast. We are familiar with those and have thought many hours and probably days about how to fix those. Besides, some people have some serious shit they’ve been trudging through.

But all this makes me feel as if I am not validated to be upset about something NOT monumental or something that could ruin or change someone else’s life. I care about this planet and I can about the animals and the trees and for all the humans that are trying so damn hard to just make it through the day or even just the hour.

Recently it seems that the universe is trying to sort out some issue that I keep trying to push down or sift away into some baked good. (Examples, we like examples.) Currently I’m watching “13 Reasons Why” on Netflix. Everyone else is too. I read that book when I was a kid and by that I mean when I was in high school. I wasn’t an emo kid and the premise of the book is dark but I gravitated to it and it’s one of my all time favorite books, that I can’t seem to give away. However, I don’t really recall all the details and I was afraid Netflix would kill the cherished memories I have about that book. I’m on episode eight and it’s been addicting and bringing up all of the feels. So many feels. Which is good but also sometimes you just don’t have the time to feel the feels and be a normal human. You’ve got responsibilities; you’ve got shit to do. The laundry and dishes seem to always happen. Probably ‘cause we were clothes everyday and we eat at least three times a day (for me, many more times than three).

Back to the point at hand, I was watching the show until the wee hours of the night and just couldn’t sleep. Then out of nowhere, as the episode was switching to the next (you really only have about five seconds) and I burst into tears. It wasn’t that that particular episode struck a chord or hit on some deep down pain that I experienced in high school. It had nothing to do with what was happening in the show. The show brought so many issues to the forefront of my mind, that another issue I was trying to process in my dreams came flooding forward and out of my tear ducts.

Example two: I’m rereading an old book that I loved but can’t remember how it ends. It’s an easy read, “All You Could Ask For”, light and fun. I’m falling in love with these characters again. I remember why I loved this book. Then smack, part two is about cancer and how these strong, fun, and honest women are dealing with it. Shit, I forgot about that twist. Though I’m sure I keep this book for a reason because there is either a happy ending or someone learns some lesson that pulls them through. I can’t recall, so I have to finish it.

I guess all these words are to say:

 Fuck not feeling

 Fuck what we’re not supposed to say and feel

I need to give myself permission from time to time, between breakdowns, to allow myself to be not okay. This is a lesson my soul is still trying to learn, so everything in the universe keeps telling me. The radio is playing songs on repeat that are reminding me that it’s okay to breathe and fail. But damn, isn’t that the hardest lesson to learn? I am the type of person that is all smiles and wit, but mainly the grass is pretty green in my backyard and I don’t need to be sad. Things fall into place and my ambition gets me the rest of the way up that hill if things fall out of order.

I had this smattering of thoughts as I walked to work today, in the sun, reading a good book with a packed lunch but still had all these feelings. I feel I have no right to be upset about things or feel as if something needs to be sorted through again. The thoughts kept coming and I find it’s best if I get them out of my system and put them on paper (or digitally) so they get out of my body and stop running in circles.

With all the feels from “13 Reasons Why” I have been realizing that we really don’t share the crap. We’ve got all this social media that we filter and edit to make ourselves feel and look great. I get it. I do it. But really, we need to connect and be a mess with someone. I thought I would be a mess and put it out publicly, if anyone else can relate, great. If not, at least I got it out there and my body can start to repair and heal. I’m not sure what it’ll look like but…

I give myself permission to feel and to share those feels or not.

I give myself permission to be not okay.

I give myself permission to be thankful and to enjoy the minute details.

I give myself permission to breathe and let things go. Not everything has to be in order.

I give myself permission to not be in control.

 

Thank you for those who read my ramblings and I wish you the best of luck. I wish you hope and I send you peace and zen in your day today. And even if you didn’t read, I still wish you those things. We all need a little extra something sometimes and I am sending you that positive something in the universe.

04.05.17

choose kindness

with love and hate
and all the dichotomies
there seems to be a lot of this or that’s being thrown around.
thrown is a violent word
that seems to fit the state of the day.
change and the brink of something new.
regardless of choice,
it’s something new.
but hate isn’t the choice.

love.

how do we do that when others are screaming with their eyes.
this might be a tragedy or victory (to some)
but we are one team
but it feels like we’re ripping apart our own jerseys.
this isn’t a game
and this isn’t funny or for the ‘gram.
this is real life
and it’s your life.
what can we do?

hope.

we need hope.
I think I left that under the bed,
with the monsters and dust.
I need to find that again.
we all need to find that again.
we also need to find another hand to hold,
no matter the skin color,
we need to spread joy and hope and peace.
let’s speak peace into existence.
let’s let the winds of change
not rule us,
but to rule this change.
to make the change a difference of good
and not evil.
let’s be examples for all the children looking up at their older brother or sister.
let’s be better than this.
we are the “adults” after all.
let’s be mature and spread peace to one another.
you voted, great.
you said something with a circle on a piece of paper, great.
you have things to say, great.
we have social media,
we have the internet,
we have voices,
great.

let’s use those moments to be kind.

let’s use our limited air supply on this earth to do good.
regardless of who says or does what,
YOU CAN BE KIND.
YOU CAN DO RIGHT.
YOU CAN LEAD BY EXAMPLE.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
WE CAN DO THIS.

LOVE.
PEACE.
HOPE.

11.10.16

start again

break the skin
break the mold
break it all
watch it fall
and shatter on the floor,
a beautiful mess of the pieces
you thought you needed,
a jumbled pile of your tears,
fears, and ideas.
it’ll break but keep going
it might burn you to the core
but keep going.
one foot in front of the other
you only need to see right in front of you
feel the mist from the fog,
drink it in and keep going.
the terrain might change
and the crowd watching might evolve
some may grow
some may take another path
but keep going.
they’ll paint you with their own colors
but it doesn’t have to be what you call art.
you can create it with your own paint set.
you see,
they see,
we perceive and guess.
paint it up, tear it down
but you haven’t failed
keep going
keep creating
let it burn and start over
it’s all okay
and we’re just dancing here
take your A to B
and let it down,
start on any letter,
start anywhere
but just start.
start with a little or a lot
or none at all,
start with your heart in your hands
or behind bars,
but start somewhere.

the sun will rise again,
will you?

05.10.16

 

the fire was silent

that bridge slowly went up in flames
while she negotiated with the heat.
can this…?
what about that?
how about this?

all the while the fire was silent
and it just consumed it all.
you can’t reason with fire
and you can’t argue with love.

she waited and waited,
but it never gave her an answer.
so instead of letting it consume her,
she walked through it
and walked away.

09.14.15

courage, dear soul

if we come into this world
from gut-wrenching pain,
covered in blood and guts,
is that how we go through this life
for the rest of our days?
we don’t have a hand to hold
until we make it through the pain.
should we expect the same
through the rainy days?
is there a reason to open our mouths
and speak our truths,
even if they shatter the glass where we stand?
can we shatter the walls we’ve built
brick by brick
with heartaches and mistakes?
can we pack up that guilt
and send it packing?
can we ever make it through the woods
of mysteries and sad lies
that resonate and stick to the soul
with super glue?
is there a way to break the molds
and build better robots with the pieces?
should you buff out that scarlet letter
or make a fashion statement out of it?
if you’ve etched that line
from A to B in your skin,
can you expect anyone to expect you
to jut over to point Q?

how long does it take to retrain
that battered puppy new lessons?
how many steps to the next sinkhole?
can you guess the pattern this time around
before the quicksand grips at your ankles?
if shaky yes’s are still yes’s,
what is a silent internal scream?
is that a no that no one knows?
how do you expect to fly that kite
if you’re holding the scissors at the string?

what are they good for anyways?
“sit there, look pretty, keep quiet”
“yes, good girl”

rip off the duct tape
and unstitch those wounds.
let it bleed.
show your colors.
do you bleed red too?
don’t we all bleed red
when the sun goes down?
then why do we carry pitch forks
and hide a gun under the pillow?
who are you waiting for?
who’s coming just around the corner?
are you waiting to fight your inner demons
Or just the shadows?

let’s dance on their graves,
the graves of our past selves.
maybe we don’t win the fight
or even this battle.
maybe we rest our heads
and wait for the sun to come up again.
courage is the act of getting up another day
to fight to live another day.

courage, dear soul.
courage.

4.22.16

variables dance

if the faucet is leaking
but you ignore it,
have you fixed the problem?
if you hold your breath,
with hope,
you’ll pass out.
simple truths that make all the sense in the world,
except your own.
take yourself out of the equation
and the variables dance with each other
gracefully.
reinsert yourself
and you’ll hear the numbers
thud and collide with one another.
break a sweat
but try not to break your arm in the process,
you’re going to need that.
don’t forget to bring your heart with you.
pack it in bubble wrap and stick it in a suitcase.
it’ll make it along the way somehow.
a few bruises later
and some duct tape will keep it in one piece.
grab a jar of dirt
and let it ground you.
pack it all up,
hide the key
and try to escape.
let’s see where this path leads.
the sun won’t reach your features
if you stay indoors,
you won’t get burned
but is that the price you want to pay the witch doctor?
is it worth it?
unscathed and in one piece?
character flaws, pot holes, and scars
all make great stories

03.14.16